


Thin Walls

by Aidaran



Series: Voyager darkVerse [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Captain's log, Depression, Eventual Romance, F/M, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Help, Holodeck, Hurt/Comfort, I promise she will get better, Medication, Night, Romance, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, references to past abuse, s05e01, s05e11 Counterpoint, voyager ends up in the middle of an alien incident as always
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2019-10-10 23:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17435879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aidaran/pseuds/Aidaran
Summary: During the events of Night, Chakotay tries to get Janeway out of her depression. Starts a bit after their conversation at the beginning of the episode.------“What?”“The walls. Between your room and mine. I’ve been hearing you for the last 5 years, Kathryn”.Even in her uncaring state, she couldn’t help but dread what he could be trying to tell her.-----“So, who was patient zero?” Kathryn sort of imagined what had happened already.“Neelix”.“So, you started an epidemic with the cook”.“Don’t remind me”.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is in the same universe as Smile. I'm still working on that 'verse name, but most of my stories will be set there.

“Kathryn”. Chakotay was almost pleading. He was out of ideas to reach her. The last two months had been taxing on everybody on the ship, but she had taken the worst of them. She had not left her quarters for weeks and he was starting to really worry.

“Captain”.

“No, I’m not talking to the captain. I’m done talking to her”.

“If you are done, leave. You have a ship to run. You are not wanted here”.

She sat on her couch and looked at the dark outside her window. She was not sure she’d be able to survive it at this point. And maybe it was for the best. She had stopped eating and even bathing lately. Eventually, any human body gives up if you don’t feed it. She idly wondered how far she was from that point.

“You know, the walls are thin”. Chakotay didn’t move and she didn’t say anything. Eventually she sighed, exasperated.

“What?”

“The walls. Between your room and mine. I’ve been hearing you for the last 5 years, Kathryn”.

Even in her uncaring state, she couldn’t help but dread what he could be trying to tell her. She didn’t answer so he continued.

“I chimed you countless times, I’m sure you heard that even with all the noise. But I was a coward and didn’t insist when you refused to answer. I’ve spent nights unable to sleep because I knew what was happening”.

“Well, commander, _sorry_ I kept you awake with whatever noise you say I do. You should have addressed the issue sooner”. Her voice was bitter and she refused to look at him. He got closer but didn’t dare to touch her.

“How many times have you destroyed your quarters, only to replicate everything and make it look like nothing happened when we have our weekly dinner? I don’t think you spend all your replicator rations in coffee”.

She froze. She had destroyed everything time and again for the last five years. Some days she ended up sleeping in the couch, because she had ripped all her blankets, opened all her pillows. For the shouting, she used her holodeck time. She’d shout until her throat hurt. But she needed to feel that what she was destroying was real and physical, not just a collection of photons.

“Other times I just hear you cry. Many times I chimed you and you didn’t answer. I was a coward”.

She let out a strangled laugh.

“Well, I'm sorry I kept you up so many times, commander. I'll be more careful with the noise from now on. Something else?”

“Fuck it, Kathryn!” In another time of her life, she would have been taken aback by the profanity. He was always so measured and calm around her. Now, she didn't really care. Some dark part of her hoped he'd hurt her in his anger. Maybe she'd hoped that since he entered the room. That could be the reason she was pushing him to the edge. “I don't care about the noise! I'm tired of looking somewhere else every time you hurt! I thought I was being respectful of your privacy but I was letting you down”.

“I don't want anybody around when I am like that. I thank you and hope you'll keep doing the same thing”.

She sat looking at the darkness.

“Now, please leave, commander”

“Chakotay. I won't leave until you acknowledge we are both people. No ranks”.

“Would that change anything?”

“It would be a start”. He sat next to her. When she didn't recoil, he tentatively put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her closer. She shivered but didn't pull away. “I'm sorry, Kathryn. I was a bad friend. I left you alone”.

“I want to be alone”.

“You don't”.

“I smell”. She couldn’t remember the last time she had taken a bath.

“I don't care”.

She didn't discuss. She was too tired. She slowly relaxed and let her back rest on his chest. He embraced her. She looked at the dark.

“It is my fault we are here, and you know it”.

“I don't care”.

“You should. You and all the other 150 people who may never see their home again”.

“This is home. Maybe it is time you realize that. You are the only one who don’t feel that way”.

“Perhaps. But none of you chose to make this place their home. I chose for you”.

He kissed her hair softly. Still, she was not ready to go down without a fight. She let out a small noise that could have been a self-deprecating laugh.

“You chose the worst one on the ship for your warrior princess”.

“I disagree”.

They sat there in silence. She was too tired and too starved of human contact to keep him away.

“I have nothing to offer, Chakotay. I left behind everything I had these past years. I had forgotten how it was to hear my name. You will end hurt”.

“Better me than you. I should have broken here too many times. I don't think I'll forgive myself for not doing anything sooner”.

“There's nothing to forgive”.

She fell asleep and he stood there, watching at the dark, until he fell too.

 

She woke up to the smell of fresh coffee. She was on her couch but couldn't remember how she got there at first. A little disoriented, she rubbed her eyes and looked around. Chakotay was preparing not just coffee but a full breakfast, with all the things they've shared on New Earth. He smiled at her.

“I remember you used to love my pancakes. It's not the same when they are replicated, but I hope they will be close enough”.

“What are you doing?”.

“Breakfast”. He flashed her his dimples. His uniform was wrinkled and his hair in disarray, but his smile was warmer than it had been in the last months. In another time of her life, she would have felt something warm and akin to love at that sight. Now, she only had a dark vacuum and was not sure if it would ever go away.

“Yes, that much is obvious”. She tried to smile but failed, and didn't get up.

“If it is so obvious, why do you ask?”

“You know what I'm asking”.

He smiled wider and took her hand, forcing her to get on her feet and go to the table.

“When was the last time you ate?”

She didn't answer.

“Do you even remember?”

She shook her head and he served her pancakes and cookies.

“Don't worry Kathryn, I used my own replicator credits”.

She snorted before she could stop herself and smiled weakly. They ate in silence. When they finished, she got up, feeling a bit better than in the last two months, and stretched.

“My back is killing me”.

“Why don't you call the doctor?” She didn't answer. “You don't want him to see you like this, do you?” She averted his eyes. “He could help you and you know it”.

All the barriers that had been getting down were suddenly up again.

“I don't need help. I'm already better. Thank you, commander”.

“I don't want to force it on you. But you know I could do it. I could have you declared not fit to command, Kathryn!”

_And just like that, he finally snaps,_ she thought darkly.

“You wouldn't dare!”

“I would if that meant you'd get help”. He got closer to her but she recoiled.

"Anyway, you are already commanding the ship, what difference would it make?"

“Why are you like this? Let me help you, please. The doctor could give you something”.

“I don't do well with medication”. She blurted before thinking. 

“You've... You've been like this before?”

She looked down. Her voice was bitter.

“Many times. Medication... Make me either dizzy or frenzied. I hate it. And I don't want it on my record”.

He felt angrier than he’d been for longer than he could remember.

“We are 70 years away from home, in the middle of fucking nothing, and you are thinking in your service record? What is wrong with you?”

“Get out commander”.

He breathed raggedly.

“I'll get out, only because  _I_ have a ship to run. But I will be here again at night”.

“You won't”

“I will. I won't let you alone at night again. I won't come with the doctor, but I refuse to allow you to keep going like this.”

“Goodbye”.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set a bit after Night conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Problems you run across when trying to be accurate in fics: what do they eat in their weekly meetings? Seriously, I spent far too much time researching. And came back empty-handed. I still honestly have no idea what the hell were they supposed to be eating in The Voyager Conspiracy.

Her smile was too wide. She was way too energetic. Chakotay didn’t buy her act at all. She’d tried to get herself killed, even if she insisted that it was their only option, and had tried to present it as a heroic act. And it wasn’t even the first time. It was the first time all the senior officers had stood in her way and stopped her, but it was not the first time she had tried to get herself dead in the line of duty. So, that night, after everything was finished, the stars were back again, and it was the end of their shift, he chimed her. And chimed. And chimed. Until he got fed up, and turn on his combadge.

“Kathryn, either you open your door, or I’ll call the Doctor and ask him to override the lock because it is an emergency. Is your choice”.

For a moment it seemed she’d risk having the Doctor on her quarters, but then the door opened up, and she looked at him livid from anger.

“What the hell is your problem, commander?”

“Chakotay”.

“Not that bullshit again. I am fine, as you can see. No noise, energetic, ready to resume command. I dare say, this incident with the Malon was solved better than expected”.

“Nobody gets back on its feet so quickly”.

“I do. We have stars again, and we saved an alien species. I'd say that is enough to get me back on track”.

He decided not to push. She was still blocking the door, but since he didn’t move, she sighed and let him in. He walked to the replicator.

“Had dinner yet?”

“It’s not our weekly date”.

“I don’t care. I could use the company. I was thinking I could do well with a nice soup and a soufflé, and some red wine, what do you think?”

“Whatever you want. I don’t care”.

It was going to be one of _those_ days, it seemed. She sat on a chair and did no attempt to help him with the table, reading a pad distractedly instead. He tried to make small talk while putting dishes and cutlery but she was still angry.

“You didn’t have to come, Chakotay. I am fine”.

“I told you I would”.

“You told me that when I was down. I’m not anymore. I would really appreciate it if you respected that”.

He finished serving the food and sat, looking her in the eye.

“We’ve been friends for 5 years. I was never shy with my feelings, but I respected you didn’t want to return them because we are in command. But don’t ask me to turn an eye when you are trying to kill yourself. That’s the only thing I ask of you. I don’t ask too much, Kathryn”.

He touched her hand, but she took it away, not making eye contact.

“You say it as if it was a small thing”. She mumbled.

“Just… let me be here for you”.

“Why, so you can convince me to ask the doctor for some magical medicine to fix me? Trust me, I’ve tried all sort of things, and you wouldn’t want to sit the person I can become on the captain’s chair”.

“Then take time off. Or ask for my help when it is too much. Anything. I don’t care. Just please…”. She didn’t answer. “Kathryn, you were ready to commit suicide just some hours ago. We need to talk and find a solution for this”.

“Why?”

“Are you really asking?”

She got up, throwing her napkin on the table.

“Yes, I am. Because I am old enough to be making my own choices, and I hope you’ll respect me”.

“Not if the choice is to kill yourself”.

“At that moment, that was the only choice we had”.

“There’s always another choice. You saw it, we were successful. You just prefer the option that will end your life. Every time you choose whatever it is that will bring you pain. And we all sit back and watch you. Not anymore”.

She turned her back and looked through the window. Stars came and went.

“And what do you intend to do to prevent me from that? I’d love to see you try”.

“At least talk to me. Let me help you”.

She snapped. She turned and looked at him, almost shouting.

“What do you want me to talk about? You want to know I’ve been in and out of this since I was 15? That I got medication 6 times, and every time it was hell and I preferred to be depressed than medicated? That I end up convincing counselors I’m ok so that they will stop nagging me, and I begged them to keep that out of my service record far too many times? That I keep track of how many times I tried to get killed in an accident, and regret coming back alive every single time? What else do you want to know? Please tell me so I can elaborate”. Her voice was bitter. He expected to see emotion in her eyes, but they were stone cold.

“I want to know how do you think you could be helped. If medication or counseling won’t do, at least tell me what I can do”.

She sat, still looking at the stars. She suddenly seemed smaller than he remembered.

“I don’t know, Chakotay. I honestly don’t know. I am tired of trying”. He thought she would not tell anything, so when she mumbled, he had to strain to hear. “But… thank you for coming here”.

He walked to her and sat on the floor, putting his hand in her knee.

“I won’t let you alone again. Will that help?”

She rested her head in his shoulder.

“I doubt it. But… thanks”.

They stood like that for some minutes, until Chakotay talked again.

“And, uh… this time I brought a pajama, hope you don’t mind”.

She couldn’t remember when was the last time she laughed so hard.

 

She woke up to the smell of coffee again. He had slept in her sofa, but she had kept her door open. A little peace offering. When he noticed she was stirring, he went to her with a cup and sat on the border of the bed.

“Hello”.

She smiled.

“Coffee first”. She sipped a bit. “Were you too uncomfortable tonight?”

“I’ll live. Probably will need the doctor to straighten my back in a few days, though”.

“Few days? You plan to stay?” She was surprised to notice she didn’t mind as much as she expected. Of course, they would have to be very careful with the rumor mill, so probably it would be in order to talk with Tuvok.

“For as long as you allow me”. He smiled at her. “So, want to go to the table for a refill?” He stood up and offered her his hand. This time, she took it.

“You had me at refill. Let me take a bath first and then I’ll join you”.

She was still not out of the woods, not even close. But with the stars shooting out of her window, and his hopeful smile, things were not looking as dark as they usually did. She even allowed herself to walk out of the room with a slight sway of her hips. She didn't know where this situation would take them, but maybe this time she'd try to stay alive long enough to figure that out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chakotay takes Kathryn out to use his holodeck hours. She records a little letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My muse seems to be on vacation. I didn’t write these words, I dragged them by the legs, screaming, until they fell into the page, cursing me and my whole family. 
> 
> I also have 3 open Garashir fics and it seems there’s no way my brain will help me complete any of them any time soon. Too bad, since I’d at least like to finish the first chapter of the fantasy AU fic.
> 
> As always, comments are love! <3

It had taken quite a lot of persuasion, but finally Chakotay convinced Janeway to make use of his holodeck time. On one side, he was quite sure she would not really care where she was being taken, but on the other, she was so volatile lately any mistake would make her storm out of the room, cursing, so he felt he was walking on thin ice.

The landscape was beautiful. The air was a bit hot, but there was a soft breeze that made it enjoyable. He had asked her to wear comfortable clothes, with pants and no loose parts, so she’d suspected it had something to do with physical exercise, but these… what were these things? They looked like some kind of flying machines.

“What are we supposed to do with this?” she touched the delta wing with suspicious eyes.

“Well, I remember you flew with Da Vinci and thought maybe we could give it a try too. It’s been a while since the last time I used one of these and I miss the feeling”.

She fought back the impulse of making a snarky comment about his lack of originality. He had after all prepared a meal and sacrificed his personal holodeck hours for her. The least she could do was to look a bit grateful. Maybe after a while she could find in her a bit of that feeling too.

“So, how do you fly this thing?”

He helped her get inside the device, making sure she had all the straps correctly secured. Even with the holodeck safeties on, he felt he couldn’t be too careful with her. She watched him in silence, and he wondered if she would dare to shout “safeties off” middle-flight, but he knew her better. She was either inclined to stop caring for herself, or going out in a glorious self-sacrifice. She would not attempt anything foolish with him around.

“There, all done. Now you just run and jump the cliff”. She raised her brow. “I’ll do it first, you follow. I know how it sounds, but trust me, I know what I’m doing. I adjusted everything in the program to make it beginner-friendly”.

He did as he said, and soon a wind current raised him over her head. She swallowed hard and followed, running to the edge and jumping. She tried not to think how far the floor was. At first, the fall made her stomach turn, but then she started to fly and everything was forgotten. She felt free, and for a moment, nothing outside that moment existed. No ship, no crew, no Delta Quadrant, nothing to worry about except them both, flying. If she made an effort, she could almost forget they were in a simulation, and not back on Earth, flying over a hill on a sunny day.

He shouted over the wind noise.

“So, how do you rate my idea?”

“It is amazing! What else can we do with these things?”

“You’ve never flown in one of this before?”

“No! only that one time!”

Chakotay couldn’t remember when he’d last seen her smile so honestly. He made a little pirouette and she tried to imitate him, but failed. She laughed.

“Seems I’m not as much of a natural as I thought I was!”

“If you want to, there are double ones, ideal for beginners. We used to strap people with an instructor for their first flight!”

“Ok! Sounds fine to me!”

They landed, Chakotay with the easiness of someone who’ve done that a thousand times before, Kathryn with less grace than a limping elephant. He called the computer to make a new design and changed the environment so it would be a good starting point again.

“Why didn’t we start with this one, if you say this is the beginner model?”

He shrugged.

“I was not sure you’d like to be strapped that close to me... or anybody for that matter”.

“Feared my famous face slap, commander?” she mocked him. Her voice was warm.

“Something like that”. Not a slap, but he was not sure it would not raise all her walls again. She snorted a bit but didn’t fight him.

He finished securing them to the device. It _was_ a bit closer than she would have liked before their initial flight. She pressed the bar until her knuckles were white, but then relaxed. She trusted him, after all.

“Ready? Let’s run to the end of the cliff, just as we did earlier”

This time she was not nervous when they started to fly. She let a small, quite undignified scream when the wind current took them out of the ground.

“Please don’t tell the senior staff I can do that kind of sound!” She was laughing hard.

“I wouldn’t dare!”

He took another wind current and the sudden drop made her scream again. She laughed and closed her eyes, allowing him to take control of their flight, feeling free, without responsibilities, risks, decisions. Just the wind and her best friend having her back.

 

It was getting dark when they landed. He had a little meal prepared, so he laid it in front of them and sat. She followed, sitting a bit closer than he expected, and put her head in his shoulder. He tentatively wrapped her waist and she didn’t pull out. They stood there, watching the sunset that was a bit too perfect to be real, and chatting about nothing.

She bitted an apple and looked at him.

“How long do you plan to stay, to keep doing these things for me?”

“As long as you need me”.

She snorted and her face turned sour.

“Nobody stays that long. Trust me. I’d rather tell you now than disappointing you on the long run. It is not like anything will be different this time”.

He just grabbed her waist a bit tighter.

“Sounds a little sad”.

“People get tired. At first I seem to improve so they feel so powerful, taking the great Kathryn Janeway out of her depression. Then they realize it was only superficial, so they try to put a bit more effort. Finally, they just give up, because they never really reach the core of it, never make a big change, they spend a lot of energy on someone who is just not responding. And they feel dragged down by my moods, my darkness. Eventually, they suggest with a smile I go to a counselor and little by little pull out from me”. She shrugged. It sounded like something she'd said a thousand times already, no emotion in her words, only certainty.

“What about Mark?”

That stung. She’d pondered about that for the last five years, but still it stung.

“He’d have left me sooner or later too. Or I would had, if he didn’t. He is too much of a good person to endure me for his whole life”.

“But you were about to get married”.

“I would had probably found an excuse to bail before that. I was using my new captaincy to delay putting a date for the marriage, to be honest. I would had made his life hell, and deep down I know it. It would not have been fair”.

“I think whether or not is fair is up to the people around you to decide, Kathryn”.

“You say that because I’ve been letting you in for less than a week. Let’s try again in a month. In a year. In 10 years I guarantee you, you’ll hate me. And as things are now, we’ll have a long time for us to get to that point. It’s not like there’s such a great person underneath the captain’s uniform anyway”.

“You really think I’ve bought the image that uniform projects? I have never. Not even that first day. I am not the kind of man that just swears loyalty to any strong headed Federation captain. In fact, I turned my back to Federation, if you remember. But that day I didn't hesitate to follow you”.

She got silent again, thinking about her next question.

“Do you regret it, Chakotay?”

“Regret what?”

“Swearing loyalty. Sticking with me”.

“Never”.

“Even now you know how I really am?”

“Especially now”.

“I don’t believe you’ll think the same in a couple years, but thank you anyway”.

She just turned and kept looking at the sunset, but didn’t pull out of his arms.

 

“Dear Phoebe, I know it’s been a while since I last recorded a log for you”. Kathryn stopped. What did she want to tell her sister anyway? She rubbed her face. “I’m sorry. I know the first years I just talked about my everyday life, my staff, anomalies, anything. I used to record a log every day. I felt that it would be great to get home and just give you hours and hours of updates, made thinking of you. As in my academy years, remember? I would just send you audios at the weirdest hours, with an emergency signal, so you’d wake up in the middle of the night and send me a long insulting rant before even listening”. She laughed softly at the memory.

“Eventually I came to the realization that you’d have a lot of log hours, since we were not finding a faster way home. The idea of giving you days of recordings stopped being funny. When was the last time I made a log for you? I think it was over 2 months ago. Sorry, nowadays time seems to be a bit tricky to track.

So, how is life going? If my clock is correct, today is your birthday. We’d make plans for that sort of date back in the day, remember? You even pranked me a couple times. 

Remember what we promised when I got the captaincy? I’d take you to Risa and give you hell once I got back from my maiden voyage. How old will we be when I return, Phoebe? I imagine us, me turning 100, you 95, going to Risa and trying to do whatever we were planning for that date. I don’t know if I want to cry or laugh at the idea. Two old hags harassing Betazoids and Ferengi, imagine that.

So, on a higher note. I flew today. I laughed. I had forgotten how that feels, you know? I was happy for three hours straight, sis. But the moment I left the holodeck reality came back to me. He won’t stay. I don’t think I would let him, anyway. It’s not fair. He is far too much of a good man for me to do that. I shouldn’t even had begun dating Mark, if you ask me. I rot everything I touch”.

She paused.

“Sorry, I should erase that last part. But whatever, I doubt you’ll ever get this so it stays there. God, I’ve been saying that same phrase over and over for the last 2 years every time I record a log. When did I lose hope? I honestly can’t remember anymore.

As I was saying. Chakotay took me to fly. Delta wings, he called them. Apparently, an old Earth flying device, and he used to jump off cliffs with those, with his sister. Now, I know the kind of face you would do right now. Don’t. Nothing of that sort, sis. We just flew those machines and then had a nice dinner. I think he have managed to make me have 2 meals a day for a whole week. That in itself is amazing, I don’t think even you or Mark ever managed more than 4 days before I just wound up with some sort of obsessive idea and skipped one. Should I get scared?”

She stopped again. Her throat had a knot.

“I miss you Phoe. But sometimes I have to look at your picture to remember your face. Do you have to do the same? I feel guilty, I let you down. I feel there were a lot of promises I didn’t fulfill. We were supposed to go have fun on Risa. I would meet your second child, whenever it was that you finally got to make him or her. You’d be in my wedding, even if we know deep down I would have probably bailed before it. But is ok, because then you would had been there for me, picking up the pieces. Did they give me a symbolic funeral? Did you have a wake for me?”

She heard the now familiar sound of Chakotay pressing her door’s code.

“I have to leave you now, sis. Chakotay is coming in. No, don’t make the face again. Is not like that. He just went to have a bath in his quarters and now he is back here. Oh, that sounded even worse. Stop grinning, you demon. I can see you even if you are not here. We are not teenagers anymore. Anyway, please remember if you ever listen to this log. You have already 42 accumulated hours of logs from your sister, and I hope you’ll listen to them all and call me to discuss them. I’ll make sure to deliver them at 4 am and force you to wake up, as I always do. Computer, finish recording”.

Chakotay entered the room and smiled.

“What were you doing?”

“Nothing, Chakotay. Just a little letter to my sister”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember editing a note about delta wings a couple years ago for a TV program, and thinking just how cool the double ones are. I had to watch videos and stuff to write this accurately, tho. I still think these things are beyond cool, and hope one day I’ll fly one, too.
> 
> I have this idea of having a Kathryn’s log longer series, but I’d have to watch all the series again so I can give her commentary on each episode. Oh well, I’ll have to sacrifice myself…


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A diplomatic reunion goes awry. Harry Kim end up locked in a weird place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I get 3000 words in one sitting and everything runs smoothly. Other times, I have half a chapter, and then have to drag the other half from my brain over the course of one day. That was the case this time. Until the explosions everything was going fast, and then, I spent half a day trying to get the action right and finally said “sorry Harry, I don’t know what else to do with you”. I'm still quite happy with the result.
> 
> Something a bit different from the last chapters.

“I think I’m gaining some weight thanks to you”.

Kathryn was in front of a mirror, tugging at her diplomatic tunic. Chakotay raised his eyes from the pad he was reading.

“Is that a complain?” He smiled.

“It will be if I have to replicate a whole new wardrobe because of it”.

“I think it suits you”.

She turned and looked at him, with a crooked smile and her hand in her hip.

“Aren’t you supposed to tell me I’m not getting fat or something like that?”

“Why should I? You look a lot better now”.

How long had it been since they last flirted like that? New Earth? No, they had kept doing it even after that. Maybe after Seven arrived? She just couldn’t remember. The little voice inside her told her she should stop, because there were paths they had agreed not to walk, but she wondered if maybe she could have back all that flirty banter they used to have the first years of their travel. The voice insisted that this time he was practically living in her quarters, so things could derail quite easily. Still... Maybe it was because she was eating better, and even sleeping, but she felt she had the strength to shut the voice, at least this time.

She walked until she was almost hovering him, and noticed how he gulped at the sudden invasion of his personal space. She was almost purring.

“So, commander. What do you think? Does this vest make me look as fat as you’d like?”

 “Well, captain, I think it looks amazing in your newfound... fuller look”. Oh, how much had she missed this.

She laughed and turned, looking for the pipes. She stood in front of the mirror again, trying to get them to be in the right place. He got up and stood behind her.

“Let me help you”.

It was her time to gulp now, as he got close and pinned the pipes to her neck. For a moment she wondered if she would dare to close the distance between them. She had to fight a disappointed sound when he straightened back.

_Maybe you should start listening to the voice again, Kathryn. You almost made a mistake. You may have 20, 50 years of travel ahead of you. Don't fuck things up._

“So, Chakotay, I'm ready to go, but what about you?” Her voice was still a little shaky, and he couldn't help feeling a bit smug about that.

“One moment, I need to finish the duty roaster for this week”.

“The Owaka didn't strike me as the patient type of aliens, you better hurry”.

“Just one moment... There. I'll go change and then you can help _me_ with my pips”.

 

Negotiations went well. They exchanged dilithium for some of Voyager’s industrial specs and a bit of Leola root. After that, their hosts insisted on having the senior staff in their system for sightseeing. Apparently they felt they needed to make a good impression, so that Voyager would tell other races about them. They were in the middle of a planet-wide restoration and needed interstellar trade desperately.

“Think of it as a vacation, Kathryn”, Chakotay said when she was about to put excuses. “Leave the ship to Tuvok and just enjoy having a couple days to rest”.

Tuvok and the night shift stood on the ship, and the rest of the senior staff went down. Tom immediately found a spot for speed racing and got lost there, leaving a furious B’elanna behind. Harry discreetly found something to do rather than getting caught in the crossed fire and disappeared.  

Kathryn felt like she’d unleashed her children in an amusement park, and couldn’t help smiling at the idea, while walking idly. When it got dark, she decided to try and sleep.

Still, it was not easy for her to rest. The room was too big, the nature noises too intrusive. She missed the low hum of the ship, and, to her horror, the sound of Chakotay's breathing as well.

After a couple of hours, she just gave up sleeping and went out for a walk.

They were in the tropical part of the planet, so as soon as she left her room she was assaulted by the smell of all kind of plants. The wildlife was loud too. That planet had lived a series of devastating wars and famines, so they appreciated their nature and made every possible effort to help it recover.

She walked aimlessly, still in her nightgown, admiring flowers and nightbirds flying above her, until she saw a familiar figure.

“Unable to sleep as well, Chakotay?”

He turned slowly, not really surprised. He knew she'd find it impossible to sleep.

“Seems I'm not the only one. Join me?”

She hooked her arm to his, and they walked the gardens for hours, talking about nothing. It was as if the last years, the straining of their relationship, had not happened.

The sunrise found them asleep on a small bench, with flowers and leaves around them. Sadly, the thing that awoke them was not the sun, but a bomb going out.

 

“Report!” Tuvok had expected the short visit to the planet to be without incidents, but he was not surprised either. It _was_ Voyager after all. Uneventful seldom was a word he could use to describe their lives.

“Several bombs went out in the Capital City. All exits are blocked” the ensign assigned to comms answered.

“Can we beam our stranded crew?”

“Negative" Vorik answered from engineering. "The radiation interferes with our lock”.

“Is the government answering our calls?”

“No, there’s no response in any hailing frequencies”.

“Let's monitor the planet and keep looking for them. Once we locate them, I'll assemble an away team to retrieve them if we are unable to beam them. Until then, keep trying to get a response”.

 

“Shit! My combadge is in my room, with my uniform!” Kathryn was not sure what mortified her more: not having her badge, or the idea of being beamed up in her pink, lacy nightie. “What about yours, commander?”

“I have mine, but I can't seem to get a lock, neither with the ship nor our crew. Probably the explosions are interfering”.

“We have to find our stranded crew first. Let's get back to the compound and hope they are still there”.

_And hope there are weapons somewhere. If Tuvok has not beamed us up yet, probably is because he can't._

They went back, hiding from the patrols that now seemed to be everywhere. From the fragments of conversation they gathered, it seemed a paramilitary group was trying to seize power. Just another beautiful example of Voyager's timing.

They turned a corner and saw a group of soldiers. Chakotay pulled Kathryn back, hiding between the trees. They stood there, waiting to move. He saw her eyes shine. Adrenaline was for her an even worse drug than coffee. She lived for those life and death moments. Maybe that was why she was always so ready to go out in a blaze of glory. he wondered if she really was getting better, or she was, as always, trading depression for excitement.

“... And the aliens seem to be on the run, except for that one with yellow straws coming from his head. We got him yesterday on the races”. 

Janeway rolled her eyes at that.

_Oh Tom, next time you go searching for fast vehicles, I'll throw you on the brig. Or make B’elanna have you on a leash. I’m sure she’d love that anyway._

Janeway and Chakotay looked each other and she gave him a small nonverbal instruction. When the soldiers turned the corner, they immediately attacked and reduced them before they were able to make a sound.

“Let's take their clothes and weapons. Keep guard while I dress, Commander”.

It was a good thing they had helmets, because there was no way they would pass as natives, with their small noses and faces full of hair.

She took off her nightgown and put on the uniform of the shorter one, but still, it was a bit big for her. The inside of the helmet had some sort of a weird smell, but she had no option but to endure it. Her voice sounded weird when she spoke. She raised the visor trying to get some of the smell out. It didn’t work, it still smelled awful.

“Done, now you dress up. Let's find our crew”.

He gave her an appreciative look.

“Too bad, I was beginning to get used to that gown of yours”.

“Shut up and get dressed”. She fondly patted his arm.

 

They observed the patrols and tried to imitate their movements, until they reached the compound an hour later. From what they gathered, their crew was still alive, held prisoner in the hopes they'd be able to negotiate a rescue. Of course, the fact that the command team was still missing was of utter importance, since they were the biggest pieces for the trade. The government had all but been seized and overthrown, so now the Voyager crew was stranded in the middle of a coup d'etat.

They walked the corridors, trying to catch any information that would lead them to the jail.

They were about to get there when a sudden noise, coming from Chakotay’s combadge, alerted all the guards around. Immediately they found themselves surrounded.

“Good timing, Tuvok” said Janeway between gritted teeth, and started firing, running down the corridors to the cells. Now it was impossible to get there in disguise.

“Tuvok, can you get a lock on us?” Chakotay was firing and shouting at the same time.

“Negative, commander. There seems to be interference. Is the rest of the crew with you?”

“No, we were trying to find them when you commed us. Can you locate them so we know where to go?”

There was a pause.

“They seem to be 200 feet ahead. Turn to the left and walk straight”.

“More like run to the left!” She seemed to be almost enjoying it. No, Chakotay corrected himself, she was definitively enjoying it. Far too much.

His thoughts were interrupted when detonations came from where they were supposed to turn. They crouched, and waited for them to stop, and he shot at the guards ahead while she covered his back. Once the path was cleared, they advanced, until they found the cells. Most of their crew was there, but Harry was missing. Go figure. 

They disarmed the fallen soldiers and took their helmets off. Janeway freed their crew while Chakotay kept guard.

“Put on the suits and take the weapons, we need to find Harry and get out of the city. Transporters are offline with all the radiation”.

 

Harry was hiding. He had no idea how he had again ended up in a weird situation.

He had gotten up a bit before dawn to get something to eat, and suddenly, screams and explosions all around him, so he’d ended up, in a very undignified move, hiding inside a cabinet. Every time he had tried to get out, a soldier stormed inside the kitchen, so at this point he was hungry, angry, and in dire need for a bathroom. Also, his combadge was in his room so he had no way to communicate, and had no idea what was happening.

He dared to open his cabinet again, and when he saw no movement, went out. He wondered if it was a good idea trying to walk out of that room, but he saw not a lot of choices.

He opened the door and heard a lot of noise, but couldn’t really make up what was happening. Then, the unmistakable voice of his Captain. a bit distorted but still recognizable, and a lot of phaser blasts. He wondered if getting his head out and letting them know where he was would be a good idea, or he’d end up being shot. With his luck, probably the latter.

He looked out and saw soldiers fighting other soldiers. Either it was a civil war, or there was something weird going on.

Then, one of the soldiers shouted with the voice of his captain and fired again.

“Captain! In here!” Harry decided to risk it and signal them.

“Cover me!” she raised her visor and looked at him, while the rest of the crew kept firing. “Is there any way out of this room, Harry?”

“I think so… I came from the other door. But it is really open inside so it could be dangerous”.

“We are surrounded at this corridor, it can’t be more dangerous. Everybody, in here!”

She stormed the room and they followed.

“Harry, get a weapon”.

 _As if it was that easy._ He looked around, and saw even more soldiers coming for them. There was not way he’d take one without getting shot.

They ran for the corridors, trying to get out of the compound. And then, when they finally made it to the front door, they felt the tingling of a transporter, and found themselves back home.

 

“So, Chakotay, everything turned right, except that I lost my combadge and my favorite nightie”.

“Yeah, if we don’t take into account there was a military uprising in a planet we were vacationing”. They were still inside the suits they’ve stolen from the guards.

“And that Tom was captured because of his love for speed”.

“And that Harry ended up inside a cupboard for 6 hours”.

“And I’m the pessimistic one”. She made a lopsided smile and walked to her room, while peeling off parts of the armor and tossing them on the floor carelessly. She didn’t even turn to see if Chakotay was following her with his eyes. She knew he was. “Now, if you don’t mind, I need to take a long bath to take out the smell of that suite”.

“I’ll go to my quarters and do the same”.

She turned, half out of the suit.

“Yes, please. You reek”.

“How sweet. And then, I’ll come back and make us dinner”.

“Yes, definitely, everything is right”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Harry, I know it was a petty move on my side to lock you on a cabinet, but I really didn’t know what to do with you. There's a reason you were a forever ensign.
> 
> Also, I have the impression that maniac Janeway doesn't mean she's getting better, is just another side of her mental problem. I am still debating with myself if I made her a bit OOC, but when on adrenaline she's an unstoppable force, so I think it may be fitting to have her like that once she's a bit better fed and rested.
> 
> As always, I love all the comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn finally makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my ‘verse, Kes and Seska never left the ship. I have a full-blown fic for Seska living inside my head and plan to write it someday. Also I want to explore Kes’ aging (yeah, sorry novelverse).

Chakotay ran to the infirmary. Even if the doctor had already told him she was out of danger, still he needed to see it with his own eyes.

When he entered, he saw Kathryn on a biobed, unconscious after the surgery. Kes was at her side, tending at the minor injuries and the bruising. The surgery had taken priority so she was now tending to everything else.

“Doctor, report”. Chakotay's teeth were gritted and his jaw hurt from the pressure he was putting on it.

“Several broken bones, internal bleeding, plasma burns in 20% of her body. She was lucky to be brought so early, because her condition was critical”.

“When will she be able to go to her quarters?”

“I'd like to have her in observation for at least 24 hours. If you want, you can stay by her at night, she’ll come out of the anesthesia soon”.

Chakotay rubbed his face. He had bags under his eyes. They had been under siege for two days and he was beyond tired.

“Thank you, doctor. I'll come back in 2 hours, when my shift ends. Call me if there's any change”.

 

Kathryn stirred some hours later and found Chakotay asleep in a chair next to her. She fell tender all over her body but was not sure what had happened. She remembered shouting, phaser fire, and... Ah, yes, she'd been shot after going alone against an invading force.

“Computer, what time is it?” Her throat was dry and her voice was almost a croak.

“The time is 0252”.

Chakotay got up immediately at the sound.

“Kathryn. How do you feel?”

She looked around to see if there was somebody else in the infirmary. When she was sure they were alone, she relaxed. She sat weakly and put a hand on her forehead, because her head was killing her.

“Like shit, honestly. What happened?”

He got up and got her a glass of water. She smiled.

“You read my mind”.

“As always”. He tried to smile but it was short-lived. “You almost died. Voyager was boarded and you took a rifle and took the defense of the lower decks all on yourself”.

“Well, I guess the almost dying sort of explains why my head hurts so much”.

He felt angry again.

“It is not funny, Kathryn! We have security personnel! They should have handled the situation”.

“They were defending the bridge and the upper decks. This is a short-staffed ship and you know it”. Her gaze became colder.

“And you are the captain and it would be great if you stopped waking up in the infirmary”.

He turned his back on her, trying to regain control. While he would never direct his anger towards her, he still felt beyond frustrated every time she pulled a suicidal heroic act. He was out of ideas to get that under control.

“Well, get me another vacation on the void and I assure you, I won't end up here. Getting into trouble is sort of our everyday life on the Delta Quadrant”.

He took from her hands the now empty glass and sat at her side. He felt his anger evaporate, being replaced by tiredness.

“All I ask is that you stop putting yourself in danger”.

“If I wanted to play safe I would have stayed at Earth as my sister, Chakotay. And you get hurt too”.

“I don't _seek_ getting hurt. You do”. She seemed about to argue. “Don't, please. Rest. I'm sorry we ended up fighting”.

She took his hands and looked at him warmly.

“You worry about me and I thank you. But it is my job to get in danger”.

“You are too good at it, Kat”.

“Well, you know me. I'm an overachiever”. She smiled at him smugly.

He shook his head slowly. He was torn between utter frustration and the affection he felt every time she defied him like that. That friendly banter was almost enough to make him forget what had happened just some hours ago.

“Kat, I love you, but sometimes you are impossible”.

Her smile faded at that.

“Don’t say that”

“Say what?”

“You know what”. She avoided his eyes. “You’ll end up hurt”.

“I’m not asking you to return the feelings”.

“That’s not it!” She tried to get up from the biobed, only to be reminded by a sharp pain that she still was in recovery. With a grunt, she sat again, and he helped her get in a less painful position.

“I know, Kathryn. But still that won’t change”.

“It should. Or you’ll end up hating me in the long run. And the long run could be 20 years. You know that”

“I know. And I’m looking forward to those 20 years”.

“I’m not”.

 

The next morning, Kes called Chakotay to the small office of the infirmary.

“Commander, may I speak with you?”. She talked softly, probably because she didn’t want Kathryn to hear her.

“Sure, what is it?”

“The captain’s mental state. She was about to die, and I don’t think she was unaware of that”.

“No, she was not. But doing something about that is her choice, not ours”.

Kes glanced over his shoulders to the sleeping form of the captain, concern all over her face.

“But maybe if you talked to her about it…”

“I’ve done it, Kes. Several times”.

“I have not talked with the Doctor about it, but I think she may need some… something to stabilize her brain’s chemistry. I’ve run tests yesterday. She’s far from normal parameters”.

And Kathryn was so sure she was hiding how she was. Apparently all of the senior staff was after her. Even Tom had talked to him about that one time. Chakotay wondered idly if she would get angry or decide to do something about it if she knew they all knew. She’d probably get angry. Maybe even throw someone on the brig for good measure. Probably Chakotay.

“I talked to her, Kes. She plain out refused”.

“Why?”

Did he have a right to tell Kes about it? He decided that it didn’t matter. Maybe the Ocampa would succeed where he had failed.

“The collateral effects. She’s been like this many times”.

“Maybe we could research and do something for her. Could you talk with her about it?”

“I’ll try… but I can’t guarantee anything”.

 

Kathryn was not sleeping. She’d heard Kes call Chakotay, and was more than sure they were talking about her. Had it not been the case, they would not have gone where she was not able to hear them.

_Either they are talking about my injuries, or they want to medicate me. Maybe both. Probably both._

How much would she be able to delay doing something? Of course, she could very well order them to stop talking about that, but if Kes and the Doctor decided to declare her unfit for duty, what could she do? Stage a rebellion in her own ship just to avoid medication, or even counseling? And anyway, there was no counselor available. Chakotay was the unofficial one, and like hell she would talk about past trauma and feelings again. Not when the things between them were in such uncharted territory. Again.

She remembered all her previous treatments.

The first time, she just stopped sleeping. She was always over excited, and after a week, she just crashed and got in an even deeper pit, when the tiredness caught up with her. One week of medication, one month to get over it.

Next time, it was numbness. Of course, numbness is welcomed when you just lost your father and your fiancée, but after a while, you start fearing you will never feel again. Again, recovery was far longer than the original treatment, and once the chemicals washed out, the feelings came again, even worse than before.

The third time, at first it was like there was no effect at all. And then, she went out with some friends, forgot she was with treatment and had a bit of Romulan ale. Next thing she knew, she was hallucinating. After that, it was not that she was fearless. It was just that nothing could scare her as much as what she saw that night.

She looked at them. He was still talking with Kes. She took a decision. She walked and opened the door. They looked like deer in the lights. They stopped talking the moment they heard her enter. She felt a bit of a petty satisfaction at how scared they looked.

“Just so we are clear, if we do it, _you_ will be responsible for me, Chakotay”

“Do what?”

“Help me. Try something for my head. That’s what you are talking about, isn’t it?”.

Kes was white, with embarrassment written all over her face.

“Did you hear us?”

“No, but it was obvious. So, Chakotay, hope you are ready to see the worst of me”.

“I’ll be more than honored to see it”. He smiled brightly at her, with his dimples showing. She tried to put a seductive pose, but the pain made her desist quite fast.

“Oh, you will regret it very soon, I guarantee it”.

And with that, she just went out of the office and walked out of the infirmary, despite all the protests the doctor threw at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think I could delay much longer to put her on treatment. Let’s see how she fares!
> 
> I needed to change the game a bit in the fic, since tomorrow I have a day that may change a lot of things for me too. Wish me luck!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Medication has some nasty side effects.

Kathryn looked ragged. She had her head on her hands.

“Computer, start recording. Phoebe's logs.

Sis, I fucked things up. You know what they say about tripping with the same stone twice? Well, I just made it a 4th time. Yes, you guessed. Medication. Everything went to shit, Phoe. As I knew it would. I told him it would be like that. I’m an idiot”.

 

\---------

 

Kathryn was more than uncomfortable listing everything that had been tried on her, and the effects it had had. There had been an agreement that the best one to deal with that was Kes and that it had to be conducted with utmost confidentiality, so she took notes for a week when Kathryn was off duty, and then the Doctor analyzed them. Then, they ran models until they found a formula they thought would work on her. It was kept secret from the crew, only Chakotay knowing what was going on.

“Last chance to convince me not to take this shit”, she joked with him as the doctor prepared the hypo. Chakotay held her hand and her weak smile didn’t reach her eyes while she was injected.

The first days she felt nothing different. She knew it would be like that. It always was a slow process. On the fifth, however, she started to feel better. She joked more. Everybody on the bridge noticed she was in a good mood, and started to relax a bit more around her.

Some days were better, some not so much. But on average, she felt a bit less burdened, and thought maybe things were different this time.

The first week she slept well, but little by little she started to feel insomniac. At first, she didn’t pay a lot of attention to that. She was used not to sleep. She didn’t feel it was something to inform either. Probably it was just that she had more energy.

The tenth day, and after two nights she’d just looked at the ceiling, not getting up to read or do something so Chakotay wouldn’t notice, she got mad over something stupid while having dinner with him.

Soon all she could see was red. She was of the cold fury type, always holding it up with a clear head, or the destroy-all-your-room one, but this was not it. This was the vilest feeling she’d ever experienced. The little rational part that still was functioning wondered if she was possessed by some kind of space entity, because she was unable to recognize herself in the screaming woman that was in front of Chakotay.

 

\----------

 

“I know what you’d say, sis. It is the medication. I know it is. They mixed some Vulcan stuff in it, and it probably reacted badly with me. Again. As always.

The problem is, was all that venom inside me all the time? I wanted to hurt him, and for no reason. I was furious. I was petty. And now I’m drowning in regret, and I feel too embarrassed to even call Kes and beg her for something to take all this stuff out of my brain. Of course he left and is who knows where. Either on his room or in the holodeck. And I fear I’ll call him and lash out again.

To think I sent Seska to the brig a couple times for saying this kind of stuff. I accused him, I insulted him. And you know what’s worse? I did bring up Seska a couple times. And I felt jealous, even if I know, really know they barely talk”.

 

\---------------

 

“Kath, stop”. His voice was ice calm, and he was trying his best to remember this was not _her_ , this was the medication talking. Still, he was worried about what she could do, and her words hurt. He’d never realized how easily she could spot all his weak points and use them.

“Oh, so now we are intimate enough for you to put nicknames at me? I remember the time I was _Captain_. And maybe you should remember that too. What do you think, first making yourself at home in my quarters, then putting me pet names. What, you hope you’ll get any more intimate with me if you do that?”

Her face was red. Her pupils were so dilated her eyes were blacker than a Betazoid one. He was quite sure any time now she would start throwing out everything on the table.

“You are being unfair”.

“Am I, though? You must be tired, always second, former captain in disgrace of a smaller crew that was all but assimilated into the very thing you were fighting, with a Captain that smiles at you, dines with you, jokes with you, but never let you cross the lines you’d like. You must be as tired as I am of this stupid act”.

“So, what do you want, then? For me to leave? To cross the line, to rebel, to do anything?”

“At this moment, I’d like to throw you out of an airlock”.

She laughed raggedly. With a controlled movement, she took a plate and just dropped it calmly. It smashed on the floor and she didn’t look at it.

“You must feel so powerful, don’t you? You have me right where you wanted me. One more dish and what, you’ll call the doctor, declare me insane? Then the whole ship is yours. And you didn’t even shoot once. This is you and Seska, is it?” She dropped another dish. “Whoops”.

“Why would I want the ship?” What was the best course of action? Try to reason, leave her alone, stop her? He knew she was incredibly good at hand to hand combat, so if he tried to restrain her it would end up with one, or both of them, in sickbay. Calling the doctor or security without her knowing was impossible. Tuvok could succeed in getting her to stop, but he was not willing to jeopardize one of the few friendships she still had.

“You tell me!” she stopped moving and looked at him. “You put something on the medication, is that it? Are Kes and the Doctor in this too? Is that why I stopped sleeping? Some sort of Cardassian torture?”.

“Kath… you what?”

“Captain”.

“Captain. Are you not sleeping? You didn’t tell me”.

“Like you didn’t know. You are all in this. There’s a conspiracy in the ship, isn’t’ it?”

“Nobody is in anything. Seska is _your_ advisor, not mine. She works mostly for Tuvok anyway, and we barely speak anymore. You know it”.

“Bullshit”. Now it was a cup. She just pushed it with one finger until it fell. His cup, with wine. The carpet got a nasty red color stain, and for a moment he thought it looked too much like blood. Leaving her alone would give her space to calm down, or to hurt herself?

“Captain, maybe…”

“Get out. I don’t’ want you here. If you don’t go I’ll throw you on the brig”.

“On what charges?”

“Treason. Assault”.

“I won’t assault you”.

She walked calmly until she was chest to chest with him. She caressed his face, and he thought he’d never felt so much menace in a soft touch.

“No, but maybe _I’ll_ do. And you’ll have to defend yourself from me. So when the doctor examines us, what do you think will happen?”

He turned and got away from her.

“Goodbye Kathryn”.

Maybe he was not doing the right thing, leaving her alone, but at the moment, he didn’t see anything else he could do. And being out of her hearing range, maybe he could call…

“And before you go”. He turned. “Don’t you _dare_ call the doctor”.

 

\-----------

 

“I know what you’d say, sis. But I accused him of so many things, I threatened to hurt him. I can’t face him now. And you know what I feel worse of that all? That I think I was _jealous_. Of someone I know he hasn’t even spoken in the longest time. I can’t face him after that”

She exhaled and looked around in her quarters. She’d destroyed everything after he went out. She’d ripped his uniforms, and now they hanged from a chair, one of them dripping the rest of their dinner. She walked around and looked at the disaster. If he had not chimed or sent anyone for her, it was obvious he was not in his room, because probably half the ship heard her trash the room.

Then she made a decision.

“Computer, end recording”.

 

\---------------------

 

She walked so fast through the corridors, nobody dared to do more than stepping out of her way. She entered sickbay.

“Activate EMH”.

“Please state the nature… oh, hello captain. How are you doing?”

“Take all this shit out of my brain”.

“What?”

She threw her hands into the air, exasperated.

“Scan me. I haven’t slept for 2 days. I am anxious, angry, fed of everything, and if you were a solid being, you’d be risking a lot of pain just by being in front of me. Either you clean me, or you sedate me and lock me up”.

The doctor scanned her in silence.

“Well?” she was tapping at a table impatiently.

“Why didn’t you come here the moment you started to feel something was off? These readings are off the chart”.

“Tell me something I don’t know. Can you do something?”

“Yes, I can prepare a hypo right away, but I’ll also have to prescribe two days of rest”.

“Bullshit. I don’t need any more time to think. I’d rather be on the bridge”.

“Not think, sleep. I can start normalizing your neurotransmitters, but I’m afraid you’ll have to sleep this off. I see now why all your other treatments failed”.

“A bit late for having an elegy, don’t you think?”

He prepared the hypo while they talked.

“Well, you managed to get all your studies out of your service record. I had nothing in my hands to predict this”.

He put the hypo in her neck.

“How long until I feel normal again?”

“It should start working right now, so in a couple hours you’ll be back to being your depressed self, captain. Come back when you want to try something else”.

 

She walked to the holodeck. There was only one in use, and it was not locked. She walked in and was greeted, as she expected, by nature. It was night, and she could hear crickets and the wind. At first there was no sign of Chakotay, so she walked. She could have called for the computer for help, but decided to respect him for once and hope she’d run into him soon.

After half an hour, she found him, sitting by a river. She walked and purposely made noise with the leaves on the ground.

“Feeling better?” his jaw was tight and he didn’t look at her.

“Sorry”.

He didn’t reply. She sat at his side.

“Just so you know, I went to sickbay. I had the doctor clean me up. He even sent me to rest two days, so you won’t have to face me on the bridge tomorrow”.

“I still don’t think it was just the medication what made you say all that”.

“Neither do I, honestly. So, sorry”.

“So, that’s just it? Sorry and everything should get back to normal? As it has been for the last 5 years? I’m tired of that”.

“What more do you want me to say or do?” She started to get up, her face red.

“Don’t start getting angry again. If you plan to lash out again, go out”.

She closed her mouth, and then sat again, silent. She braced her knees. When her breath calmed she spoke again.

“You are right, of course. Sorry”. She smiled at him and looked him in the face. “And just so you know, the last time I said sorry 3 times in a row, was when I stained my sister’s favorite dress just before her first date. With oil. And blue dye. It was _yellow_ ”.

He softened at that and chuckled softly.

“But why the hell did you get so angry?”

She avoided his eyes. Instead, she got up and took off her shoes, dipping her feet in the river. The border of her uniform pants got wet but she didn't mind. She walked, reveling in the feeling of the cold water. He followed her and did the same, still maintaining some distance.

“I don’t know. Not why I got angry in the first place, at least. But then, I started to imagine you were in league with Seska to take Voyager from me”. She turned and got close to him, with a half smile. “I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous now. Must be the hypo working. But then I started to remember you had been involved with Seska, so my mind started to jump to conclusions, and…”

“You were jealous”

“I was not…!”

“Yes, you were”. He smiled at her, finally looking her in the face.

“Yes, I was. So what? You have any problem with that?”

He didn’t reply, but kept smiling.

“So where do we go from here, Chakotay?”

He offered her his hand and she took it.

“Well, considering apparently you have not been sleeping, to your quarters, first”

She looked at the floor.

“Maybe it would be better to go to yours this night”.

“How much did you destroy this time?”

“Have you ever seen a tribble infestation? It looks better. And by the way, your new uniforms will be on my replicator credits, don’t worry”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I’m still beginning to read the beta canon, I love the fact that Kathryn trains with Klingon holoprograms. I love badass Janeway.
> 
> I’m bad at feelings. I’m bad at romance. I’m bad at fights and makeup chats. I feel I have less emotional range than Data sometimes. This chapter took me a long time to write!
> 
> Annnnd I know I’m totally leaving you on a cliffhanger, sorry. Let’s hope I have it in me to write the next part (don't throw me out of the airlock yet!).
> 
> As always, comments are love 💕 (I was trying to make some html magic to put emojis, inspecting comments and all that to see how they were embedded, and it was as simple as editing with the phone...)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathryn is getting better. Chakotay is still a bit angry. Tuvok has a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, so soon? what kind of sorcery is that?

When they entered his quarters, Chakotay started to gather blankets and pillows and took them to his coach. She frowned and stopped at the door of the bedroom.

“What are you doing?”

“Well, I'm preparing to sleep, I thought that much was obvious”.

“You'll sleep in your coach instead of the bed?”

“I won't make you sleep in it, so, yes, I'll go to the coach”.

He kept taking stuff there, so she stopped him putting a hand in his arm.

“There's another option, you know”.

“Oh no, I don't think...”

“We can sleep each one in a different corner and that's it”.

She took the pillows he’d moved and walked back to the bedroom.

“Kath...”

“Either you come and sit here right now, or I'll go to my quarters and sleep in the middle of the rubble. Is that clear?”

He rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe she was giving him orders and threatening him in his own quarters, after everything that had happened. And also, what kind of threat was that?

... And why was he doing what she had ordered even if it was ridiculous?

He sat on the border of the bed. She went to the replicator and ordered toiletries and a nightie. She then went inside the bathroom, so he used that moment to put on some pajamas. The only ones that had not been in her quarters. He wondered if those were his only ones now. Probably yes, they were. He was quite sure that if she had replicated a nightie, it was because she had destroyed even her own wardrobe, so he had no hope for his own clothes.

She got out with her uniform in her hands and put it in a chair. Then she seemed to remember something. To his disbelief, she unclasped her bra, got one strap out, then the other, and finally took it out from under her neck, without touching her nightie at all. He raised one eyebrow.

“Magic”, she said, with a serious expression.

One moment later, they were both laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes.

“You are unbelievable!”

“I'll take that as a compliment”.

“That was the worst strip tease I've ever seen”.

That ensured them a new bout of laughter.

“Oh, is that what you think it was? Should have told me first!”

When they finally calmed down, he looked at her seriously.

“You sure you are ok?”

“That shit is out of my system. I still have to rest but I'm thinking a bit better. And I'm sure I'll sleep straight through those two days the doctor ordered me to rest”.

She let herself fall on the bed. She still had a bit of a devious smile, and Chakotay wondered what was she expecting him to do next. Sometimes, she was like a bomb. Touch the wrong wire and everything would blow off.

She closed her eyes and seemed to relax, so he got up and brushed his teeth. When he walked back, she opened an eye and watched him.

“I thought you were going to sleep those two days”.

“I will, but not right now”.

She stretched and looked at him.

“Just so we are clear, Kath”. He sat on the bed. “I'm still a bit angry, and you are still going out of meds”.

“Meaning...?” she rolled to her side.

“Meaning you should mind your own corner of the bed at least for now”.

She looked at him and scowled, but said nothing.

“I'm serious, Kath. Move along”.

“I didn't say anything”.

“You don't have to”.

She sat and was about to say something, but then thought I better.

“See? I _am_ better. Some hours ago I would have exploded”.

“Still”.

“Anyway, Chakotay…” She stifled a yawn.

“Sleep, Kath”.

“But…”

He rolled his eyes.

“Sleep”.

“Don’t order me around”.

She turned, and one minute later she was snoring.

 

She didn’t even wake up when the alarm went off, so he closed the door of the bedroom and had breakfast in silence. Even if Kathryn insisted she was feeling better, that night had been a disaster and he made a mental note to talk to the doctor and make sure she really was better. If she still had the drug on her system, then she could get erratic again. On the other side, if the drug was no more, there was a chance she’d fall into depression again. It was a no-win situation.

He also wondered what he would say to the bridge crew when she didn’t walk in today. After the events of a couple months ago, when she locked herself, the crew had been talking. They knew she was not ok, even if they didn’t express those concerns out loud. Having her on leave for two days would ensure the rumor machine would start working full power.

He decided to talk with Tuvok about the situation before getting into the bridge. Once he was outside his quarters, he commed him and asked to meet in the Vulcan’s ones.

 

“I was in the middle of my morning round, Commander. I would have expected you to summon me either to the ready room or your own quarters”.

“I know this is unusual. I think this is the first time I am in your room, in fact”.

“Indeed it is”.

Tuvok didn’t say anything else, waiting patiently, his arms clasped at his back.

“I just couldn’t ask you to come to mine” Tuvok kept staring. “Kathryn is sleeping there”. Now a raised eyebrow, but nothing more. “It is not what you think”.

“I’m not thinking anything. I don’t have the facts for that”.

“Oh, come on, you’ll really tell me you are not doing the logical assumption here?”

“I am not. What would the logical assumption be, in your opinion?”

“We are not sleeping together, Tuvok”.

“I never said you were”.

_Did I make a mistake calling him to talk? Is he going to drag me around?_

“She had a crisis yesterday. She’s not going to be on the bridge today, nor tomorrow. Doctor’s orders. I need help to figure out how to avoid rumors and suspicions with the senior staff. I can’t make up an illness and just expect them to believe it, but I can’t tell them what really happened”.

“I assume it is because of her treatment” when Chakotay looked at him with surprise, Tuvok continued. “She told me about it. I’ve known her for many years. I’ve seen how all of those cures fall apart soon”.

Chakotay was starting to get frustrated. This was going nowhere, and soon they would be late for their shift in the bridge.

“So, what do you suggest? We just stop trying?”

“It is not a decision we have to take, commander. Although I don’t think at this point there will be a chemical solution for her problems”.

“Well, there’s no counselor in this ship. And as much as I can be with her and support her, the fact is, I’m too close to really be able to be impartial in my judgments and advice. Tuvok, I need your help to figure out what to say today, and what to do from now on”.

Tuvok turned and looked through the viewport, thinking.

“We can say she is sick, and suggest a ship-round checkup for the flu”.

“Wouldn’t that be lying? I thought you Vulcans didn’t do that”.

“It won’t be lying if we really make one or two crewmembers go down with the flu”.

“Wouldn’t it be wasting the ship resources, to create an epidemic?”

“I’d hardly call it an epidemic. Just two persons are enough to create a credible scenario”.

“I doubt the Doctor or Kes would like to participate in this”.

Tuvok took a small vial out of a locker and shook it softly. It changed color. Chakotay gulped and took a small step back.

“They don’t have to know. That way it will be more credible”.

“I’ll leave it in your hands, Tuvok”.

“Very well, commander. I’ll order the rounds in 2 hours. First symptoms will be noticeable in about 3 hours from now”.

Chakotay decided to get out of the room without asking too many questions. He’d often wondered about Kathryn and Tuvok’s friendship, but after that small chat, he had a lot of answers, and quite a lot more questions than before.

At least, his present situation was solved, although he was quite worried about which crewmembers would just “fall ill” that afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, guilty as charged of that sort of magic trick. Let’s face it, it is a fun party trick (?). Somehow I can totally picture her doing that sort of stuff with a straight face (sorry, not sorry). I think that she is so controlled and hard when she is the captain, she probably derails hard the moment she gets to be herself. I can imagine her drunk singing with her sister.
> 
>  
> 
> I thought about Tuvok a lot. And you know what? I think that man is perfectly capable of doing that sort of stuff, and find a logical explanation for having a vial with a very nasty flu strain just hanging around his room. In fact, I’m quite sure the first ones he’d infect would be Kim, Neelix, and Seska.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is never a good idea to assume Neelix washes his hands.

“So, we can both agree that Tuvok’s idea backfired, right?”

Kathryn pressed a cold towel to Chakotay’s temple, who groaned and didn’t answer.

“Really, you expected that plan to work?”

“Seemed sound at the time”. Chakotay’s face was burning out. She put another cold towel.

“Did it?”

Chakotay just coughed.

“So, who was patient zero?” Kathryn sort of imagined what had happened already.

“Neelix”.

“So, you started an epidemic with the cook”.

“Don’t remind me”.

“And then you all ate whatever terrible thing he concocted that day”.

“Leola soufflé. You should be happy to have missed it”.

“And not one of you thought he may have _coughed_ inside the pot?”

“Oh wow”.

“Neelix mucus inside your soufflé”.

“Stop”.

“You ate Neelix germs”.

“Kath, if you don’t stop, I’ll throw up”.

 

\-----

 

“Computer, begin recording. Phoebe’s log.

So, sis, sorry for the last, very dramatic log. I was on meds. For now I’m ok, so you know what that means: I’m not taking them, so I’ll be feeling terrible pretty soon again. But at the moment, I’m in that state where I’m not on any side of the spectrum and I feel nice.

I feel extremely tired, though.

Cleaning the rubble after an anger attack is not so bad, I’m used to it. Taking care of Chakotay after his masterplan backfires and he ends up with Vulcan flu… oh sis, hope that man doesn’t get sick very often because it was like payback.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. She was not mad, though. After all she had made him go through for the last years, maybe she deserved it. But still.

“He made me call the doctor 5 times in an hour. He complained every time I tried to check his temperature, put a cold towel in his face or tried to get him to hydrate.

I know he is a strong man, but it was like he had never been sick in his life before. When he is in sickbay, injured, he is just stoic, enduring whatever happens, but yesterday… and you know what is worse, sis? I’m sure he did it on purpose. He was feeling not nearly as bad as he made it look, but he wanted to have me running around. Well, he succeeded. And considering Tuvok fell for his own plot, we ended up having on the bridge a crew comprised of Kim, the Trelawney sisters and Seska. I dread to think what would have happened if we encountered hostile aliens”.

 

Tuvok answered to the chime with something that sounded more like a pained growl than a word. Captain Janeway entered his quarters and found him on his couch. He had a cold towel on his forehead, and a very interesting green color flushed his cheeks and ears.

“Enjoying your Vulcan flu, Commander?”

“I believe ‘enjoying’ is not the right word given the situation I am in”.

She pressed a hypo to his neck and collapsed on an armchair next to him. Since even Paris and Kes had fallen ill, she’d spent most of the day walking the ship, helping the Doctor fight the plague. Of a crew of 152 persons, only 9 had been spared of the plague. And clearly it was not a good idea to ask Naomi to help with the rounds.

“What were you thinking when you released an illness on the ship, Tuvok?”

“I’d rather not discuss my line of thought when I’m down with a fever, Captain”. Tuvok didn’t bother to uncover his eyes. He felt even his eyeballs were burning. She got up and changed his towel for a cleaner and colder one.

“But why Neelix, of all people? Surely you had better options”.

He sighed. Obviously, she was not ready to drop the subject even if he fell as if his ears were about to wither and fall.

“I thought he was the less critical and most impactful choice. I wanted it to be believable while not affecting someone on tactical, engineering or bridge duty”.

“He manipulates food, Tuvok”.

“I was not aware he was not in the habit of washing his hands”.

“Tuvok. He bathed for the first time here, 5 years ago. And we are not sure if he ever did it again”.

“I’m disgustingly aware of that”.

“And yet you chose him as patient zero”.

“The doctor gave him lessons about hygiene, I read the reports”.

“And you think he actually paid attention to those classes?”

Tuvok groaned.

“From now on, if I don’t have replicator credits, I think I’ll rather not eat. Vulcans can go without food for over a week”.

They stood in silence for some minutes. When he noticed she was watching the wall instead of talking or going away, he talked again.

“How long do you plan to stay here, Captain? I don’t need assistance”.

“I know”.

“Aren’t you doing the rounds?”

“You were the last one”.

“Then why don’t you go to rest?”

“I am resting, Tuvok. Give me five minutes, please. I injected 89 crewmen in the last 2 hours. Changed more towels than I can remember. And heard Chakotay say he feels like he is about to die at least one hundred times. So if I want to rest on your quarters, you will not protest, is that clear?”

"Yes, captain".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little interlude chapter, before I tackle In the Flesh. Oh boy, all the drama that I will squeeze from that episode and pour into the fic. The drama.
> 
> As always, comments are love! Now that I managed to finish my classes without dying in the process I may have a bit more time to write.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kathryn finally decides to move on.

The dinner had gotten cold long ago. Chakotay had been expecting some reaction from Kathryn after the incident with species 8472, of course. On one side, he felt guilty about getting involved with that alien female, but on the other, he’d been running in circles with her for years, and now they’ve been sharing quarters for months, without having any real development in their relationship, so he felt frustrated. It was not as if he owed her anything, anyway.

He sighed and decided to go find her. He was sure she’d be in the holodeck, and when he arrived and found one active and locked, he decided to override it and enter. For a moment he feared he’d find a naked crewman (would not be the first time, and they all agreed in Voyager that what happens in the holodeck stays in the holodeck), but instead, he was greeted by a very dark Victorian setting. Yes, definitely Kathryn’s.

He walked, and didn’t find any of the characters on, so it was eerie. Corridors were barely lit, so he took a candle and used it to guide himself.

Eventually he found her, sitting on a bench the garden, still in her uniform. She didn’t bother turning when she heard his steps. She knew eventually he’d come search for her. She was not sure if she was glad or angry.

“There was a lock on, in case you didn’t notice”.

He didn’t answer, and instead sat at her side. She didn’t turn.

“I want to be alone, Chakotay”.

“Why?”

“No reason”.

“You are mad”.

“Why would I be?”

“I was undercover, you know”.

“I don’t know what you are talking about”.

“Yes, you do. And if you have a problem with that, I want you to tell me”.

Kathryn got up and turned.

“I was just enjoying the night. I think now I’ll go back to my quarters”.

“I thought this night we were staying in my quarters, not yours”.

“I think I’ll be alone tonight if you don’t mind, _commander_ ”.

He stood too, and grabbed her arm gently.

“Yes, I mind. And if you want to talk to me and tell me why you keep pushing me, but the moment I look at someone else you get mad, I’ll be quite happy”.

“Oh, so now I need to explain my every move and feeling to you?”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it! You can’t keep me at arm’s length, and then get mad as if we were anything more than just shipmates!”

“So that is what we are now, just shipmates?”

“I don’t know, Kathryn, tell me what we are then, because I am tired of all this!”

She turned, not looking at him. After a few breaths, she calmed enough to speak again. She turned and face him, hands on her hips.

“So, imagine this, then. We become something else. I fuck it up, as we both know I’ll do – please don’t interrupt me – and then, we have to keep running this ship for what, 10, 20 years?”

“So, you are pushing me away because you are already planning our break up?”

She maintained visual contact but didn’t say anything. Finally, he started to laugh.

“I don’t see what is so funny, Chakotay”.

“You are”.

She opened her mouth and closed it several times. Finally, she blushed furiously.

“I’m trying very hard not to feel offended”.

“You don’t know me at all, do you? I’ve been at your side for 5 years. Do you really think pushing me away or letting me in will change how we manage this ship?”

“You know it will not be the same”.

“I’ve been sleeping in your couch for 2 months, and you’ve been staying in my room for a whole week. And nothing changed on the bridge. Nobody complained or noticed anything”.

“It would not the same”.

“How so?”

She didn’t answer. He smiled and extended his hand.

 “Come on, let’s go to either my quarters or yours. I don’t care whose night this is”.

“Just so you know, I’m still mad”.

“And you will be even more when you discover our dinner got so cold we’ll end up eating whatever Neelix prepared today”.

“I’ll take my chances with a cold dinner”.

“Your quarters then”.

 

Kathryn had not meant it to happen. She’d been keeping him at arms length for 5 years. So how had she got her walls so down? Even in New Earth she had rejected him. Then again, she was still mourning her relationship with Mark at that point, still trying to come to terms with the fact that they may never see each other again.

Chakotay was asleep at her side, with an arm possessively holding her closer. She wondered if she should get up and get away. Anywhere but here. Tell him it was a mistake. Smile and break his heart.

She just turned and placed a kiss on his hand, feeling at peace.

 

“Now that is a sight I’d like to have any morning”.

Chakotay ogled her without shame while he prepared their breakfast. She looked back at him, not even trying to cover herself with the sheets. It was nice to feel someone really wanted her as a person, not just the captain. Then again, he always had, and had never been shy about that.

“I could say the same”. She was almost purring.

“Are you talking about me, or the coffee?”

“The coffee, of course”.

He took it to the bed, and lend in to kiss her. She didn’t pull out. She knew she should, but she tangled her fingers in his hair and pulled him closer. He barely managed to put the mug in the nightstand before being pulled over her. Half an hour later, the coffee was cold and they both were panting.

“I could really start all my mornings like this, Kat”.

She took the coffee and sipped a bit. She had never minded cold coffee before, and she was not about to start now.

“Still, we need to talk”.

“I know”.

“The bridge crew must not know”.

“That goes without saying”.

“Outside our quarters we are still the command team”.

“I know”.

“If any of us is unable to follow those rules, all of this ends”.

“Hope that never happens”.

“And you come back here tonight”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did it take me 14k words for them to be together, and then I totally skipped the smut part? Oh yes I did! I had this sitting on my computer for days, and it turned a lot shorter than I expected. I struggle hard writing romance, and don’t get me started with my sad attempts at smut. I just don’t go there, I have no idea where to start, so... you get this. Let's see where the next chapters take me, tho. Maybe I'll need a bit more alcohol but I'll let you have juicy details (?) Trust me, I'm still debating if this will get an E rating, so don't toss me out of the airlock yet!
> 
> As always, comments are love!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew suspects. Tom is totally decided to make somebody tell him the truth. Inspector Kashyk boards the Voyager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: while I’m sure that if you made it to this point you are sort of looking for the angst and all that, I reached Counterpoint in my chronology, and I’m taking the beta canon stuff about Kathryn being held in a Cardassian prison too.
> 
> While I am never graphic at all, as you all may have noticed, I know some things may not be your cup of tea, so you can read the Paris being idiotic Paris thing (which I enjoyed a lot writing), and skip the Kathryn part if you want. I was really subtle and didn’t describe anything (notice I am still totally T rating this), but I know how badly I have reacted to fics with implied abuse when I was younger, so I feel it is important to tell you before you read. I may or may not get to that part of her psychology again on the next chapters, and while I think it is important for the Kathryn I am building, and the bond of trust she has with Chakotay, I think it is totally ok if you prefer to skip it and just read the first part, hence I didn’t mix the crew shenanigans with Kath and Chakotay this time, even if I wanted to.
> 
> Again, I was totally soft because I can’t bring myself to really write that sort of stuff (I thought about doing it but... I really don't want to), but it is totally ok if you want to just wait for chapter 11 (which will probably be either happy, or a rewriting of Timeless, hence, total angst)

“Doesn’t the captain look… happier?” Tom and Harry were at the mess hall.

“I wouldn’t know, Tom. Why would she?”

Truth was, all the ship was boiling with rumors. The captain was happier, the first officer had some sort of a smug expression, and it was easy to make the math. Not that anybody dared to do it in front of them, but still. It was not too surprising either, after the New Earth everybody had been expecting them to be together and nobody could understand why that had not happened. And just by the time the rumours had stopped, everything pointed to the fact that maybe Tom would have to start with the betting pool again.

“Well, there have been rumors about… Hey, B’elanna! We saved you a seat”.

B’elanna looked around at the almost empty room and scoffed, but still grabbed a fruit and sat with them. She was sure her boyfriend was not calling her just because he wanted to see her. 

“I am in a bit of a rush, Tom”.

“B’, I think you may be able to help us with this”.

She looked at them frowning. Oh, she didn't like where this was going. She should have known better than walking into the mess hall. Clearly Tom had second intentions, go figure.

“Whatever you want to ask, I don’t know”.

“Oh, don’t be like that. Look, you and Chakotay are very good friends, right?”

“Yes… so…?”

“Well, there have been rumors”.

“You’ll have to be more specific. I swear, the warp core is powered by rumors in his place!”

“Some people say they’ve seen Chakotay coming out of the captain’s quarters. Repeatedly”.

“And why would I know anything about that? Tom, he is my superior, we don’t go gossiping around”.

“Oh, come on, B’elanna, you must know something!” even Harry was getting curious. He had not noticed anything, but then again, it was not as if anybody was surprised he was a bit slow catching that sort of thing. 

Tom looked around to check they were alone and then leaned closer to them, with a conspiratorial look.

“As an engineer you must be able to track where combadges are, holodeck usage… come on, do it for us”.

“That job is for Security. You should ask Tuvok”.

“B’, we all know he won’t tell us anything”.

“Well, neither will I”.

Tom looked at her and then lean back, pointing his finger.

“Ah! You know something!”

“I don’t!”

She stood up in anger.

“Oh, I know that look! He did tell you!”

“You know what? I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll go to engineering to see if there something useful to do there”.

She threw her napkin and left.

“She totally knows, Harry. Which means something is going on. I wonder if Kes knows something, I'll crash sickbay later and try to get her to tell”.

 

“Mister Paris! Now this is a surprise, having you on time for your shift. Are you some sort of hologram or a mirror version of the Paris we all know?”

“So funny, Doctor. Maybe you should consider asking Neelix for a comedic section in Briefing with Neelix”.

Paris mocked outrage and rolled his eyes and the Doctor smiled. 

“Perhaps I will. Now, since you seem to have free time, why don’t you go to the storage and help Kes catalog samples?”

Perfect. He couldn’t have planned it any better. He went there, and found her carefully putting labels and entering the data in the computer.

“Kes! The doctor sent me to assist you”.

She turned and looked at him sweetly. She handed him a pad.

“Well, I’d thank you if you cross-referenced the new samples with the old ones”.

“Sure, I’ll get to it right away”.

_ Wait one minute Tom. You can’t just ask her or it would be too suspicious. _

He made small talk and they worked comfortably for some minutes, until he decided it was safe to start inquiring.

“So, Kes, have you noticed? The captain seems happier lately”.

She didn’t take her head out of the plants she was tending.

“Really?”

“Oh, yes, haven’t you been on the bridge lately?”

“Not really, no. I have my hands full with the refitting of the hydroponics bay, honestly”.

“That’s too bad, you should come. I swear, sometimes I think I can almost hear her hum”.

She smiled at him, and put the plants aside, going for another batch of samples. He didn't follow, waiting instead until she came back.

“Well, that’s good Tom, she deserves to be happy”.

“So, you don’t know what happened? Haven’t you visited her lately?”

“Oh yes, we had tea a couple days ago”.

“Only the two of you?”

“Yes, it was lovely”.

Either Kes really had no idea, or she was the best actress on the whole ship, because Tom tried all he could think of and she didn’t give him any more information. Eventually he decided to get a more direct approach.

“You heard the rumors, right?”

“Mm, I don’t really pay attention. Most of the time they are not true”.

“Oh, mister Paris,  _ I _ would like to know about those rumors”.

Shit. that voice was unmistakable. The captain was standing on the door, and she seemed  _ very  _ interested to hear what it was that Paris was talking about.

“The... ehm, you know captain, the rumors about a new holoprogram. Want to try it? It will be an Irish village”.

“Doesn’t sound too interesting, does it? Why don’t you tell me more about it?”

Tom knew that face. It was the face of a captain that was ready to keep him talking for an hour until he was ready to surrender and die. He wondered if he could ask to be thrown into the brig. Clearly it would be a lot better than the alternative.

 

 

“I don’t like this plan, Kathryn”.

He was not ready to just let her throw herself into the arms of Kashyk. So many things could go wrong with the xenophobic Devore. And Tuvok would not be always around to protect her.

“I’m not asking for your opinion”.

“Shouldn’t I give it regardless?”

“No, because this is exactly why I didn’t want to get involved with you in the first place. We both knew it may come a day when either would have to seduce or play someone else to keep the ship running”.

“And yet I remember you getting quite angry at me over species 8472”. She glared at him. “But that’s not what worries me, and you know it. It will be dangerous. I'm not talking as your mate, I'm talking as your first officer, you know that”.

“Letting Tuvok, Vorik and the refugees die is not an option”.

“There must be something else you can do”.

“I’m all ears”.

Her expression was tired. She was not any happier with the plan than he was, but she was out of options. The hiding game had gone for over two months and she was at the end of her nerves. While in front of the crew and the aliens she was always so sure and confident, Chakotay had seen her collapse on their quarters exhausted, wondering how long they would have to keep this going.

“I’m not… I don’t have a plan I can magically pull out just now, but we can think of something else to do!”

“I already went over a lot of scenarios with Tuvok, Chakotay. Trust me, most of them ended up in disaster. It is not like I want to happily prostitute myself, in case you are wondering, but this is the safest of all our option. I’m not ready to let them die”.

He felt his stomach turn. She said that just so matter of factly. As if it just was another if her responsibilities as captain. As if her body was for the ship and the crew to dispose of.

Chakotay wanted to shout it was Kathryn the one who was putting her body on the line, not Tuvok, but he knew he would unfair. The Vulcan was risking his life every time they put them in the transporter.

“Just… be careful. Always have concealed something to call me at the first sign of trouble. Please”.

“I will”.

He kissed her, and for the first time understood why she’d been keeping him away. Being the captain always means risking your life, but she was always putting her body in the bargain too. He’d thought it was only because of her suicidal tendencies, but now he understood. There was so much more to it. He’d suspected something for some time, and he was more and more certain his intuition was right. He hated himself for being right about that sort of things.

“Kat… can I ask you something and get an honest answer?”

“Only if you are ready to hear something you won’t like”. Her crooked smile told him she probably knew what he wanted to ask.

“This is not the first time you do this sort of thing, is it?”

“I survived the war with Cardassia, haven’t I? you know was taken prisoner, right?”

He just held her. he didn’t need to ask anything else.

 

Everything worked out in the end. So why was she in her sonic shower, still rubbing her skin until it turned red? Why did she still feel every part of her body burning up? She sighed. Probably Chakotay was beginning to worry.

She wrapped herself in a towel and didn’t bother to put some clothes on. She just walked out and threw herself on the bed. He’d been writing reports in the couch, but immediately put them aside and went to her side.

“Want to talk?”

“Not really. It’s been a long day”.

“What would make it better?”

“I don’t know”.

She curled and he carefully removed his uniform and got inside the bed with her. 

“Want to... want to hear about my time in Cardassia?”

“Not really, but... you want to tell me?”

“I think I do. Not even Mark knows what happened there”.

“Ever talked about it with your counselors?”

“No. I don’t think they would have understood”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Pam, did you have a bad day?” “Why, yes, what gave it away? Maybe the ending of this chapter? Maybe the fact that it began really nice and funny and took a very dark twist?”. Sorry Kathryn, I was not sure how to handle the Kashyk incident, but you see, I really, really had a frustrating day. And it was either you or Garak. Garak will still totally get it, don’t worry. Nobody is safe in the trekverse today. 
> 
> There are a lot of incredibly dark fics about her time with the cardassians and Kashyk, and while I don’t want to go that deep, I do have my own theories about that stuff too. And boy, are they dark indeed. I was debating whether to erase the Kashyk incident or make it work somehow, and well, luckily for this fic, sublimation is a bitch.
> 
> As always, comments are love!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A drunken Janeway goes back to step 1.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back again! and with a bit of angst, since I'm having a bit of a very ugly week.

Chakotay was a bit surprised to find Kathryn in his quarters. Not just because of the intrusion, but because of the smell of alcohol.

"Captain?" He knew already when calling her by her name was a risky move, and this clearly seemed like one of those moments.

"Shut up. And don’t turn on the light."

She was in the dark, sitting on his couch, looking outside, at the stars passing by.

"You've been drinking."

"Such a great deduction. Any more brilliant observations?" Her speech was a bit slurred, but aside from that, she sounded pretty articulate, so he hoped she was not that drunk.

"Can I sit at your side?"

"Suit yourself. I don't care."

She still kept her face away from him. He studied it while he approached, trying to read something, anything. Just four days ago she’d opened herself up and told him a bit of her past. Then, she started to avoid him, and now, this. Back to step one, it seemed.

"If you are trying to decide if I've been crying or not, no. I'm just drunk."

"Care to tell me why?"

"Not really."

He sat across her and she turned her face so he couldn’t see her expression.

"Want me to hold you or...?"

"Not especially."

They felt into an uncomfortable silence. He shifted in his seat for some minutes until he decided to get up and walk to the replicator. He was in the middle of ordering something when she talked again.

"Don't bother with one of your horrible herbal...  _ things _ , I don't want to be sober."

"What do you want, then?"

"Nothing, really."

"Then why are you here?"

"Well, I didn't want you... nagging about the noise again, and I didn't want to break into Paris or Neelix quarters."

"Quite articulate considering how drunk you are."

"I'm quite used to be. When everything else fails, there’s wine."

"Tea, at least?"

He didn't wait for her response. He replicated two cups and placed them in the table. This time he sat on the floor, trying to get a glimpse of her face. She turned again.

"Want me to call the doctor?"

"I'm not ill."

"You are not ok either."

"If you keep this I'll go to my quarters and keep drinking."

"You know, Kath, you are a terrible negotiator. You should bring something else to the table to bargain."

She turned her head with indignation before realizing it and glared at him. Finally she snorted.

"Hand me that damn tea."

"Tell me now what is this all about?"

She sipped her tea, considering it.

"Do I need a reason to be like this?"

"No, but if there's none, maybe we should try again to find a solution with the doctor."

She looked out again, but her expression softened.

"I'm tired of searching long term solutions that always have side effects. Alcohol and destroying stuff are more immediate ones."

"I take that as you inviting yourself to stay in my quarters this night."

"And if you help me clean tomorrow I'll be grateful."

“How much did you drink?”

“Not nearly enough. I can still talk.”

He wondered if he should take that as a good or a bad sign. He’d suspected she tended to abuse alcohol when she was alone, and some engineering logs showed she had beamed from the holodeck directly to her quarters from time to time, so being able to talk and move sounded like a good sign.

“You’ve avoiding me.”

“I see you every day in the bridge.”

“You know what I mean.”

She just stood there, silently, drinking her tea. Finally she put her cup down and stared out again.

“I’m... not feeling well, again. Better to avoid you than have you annoyed about the alcohol.”

“It would be better not use alcohol at all. We are in the XXIV century, we have a lot of options to help you if you are feeling bad again.”

“See? There it is. You don’t approve.”

“Wha - of course I don’t!”

“Call the doctor and I send you to the brig. I mean it.” 

He opened and closed his mouth in disbelief several times. Finally he gave up.

“Suit yourself. I’m going to sleep. You didn’t leave pajamas here but I can offer you a shirt. Or use the replicator. Whatever suits you best.”

“You’re not kicking me out?”

“You’d only drink more if I did. I’d rather have you here.”

She rolled her eyes and glared, but eventually picked the shirt and went to sleep. 

 

“So? How’s that hangover, captain?” He couldn’t help giving her a crooked smile when she moaned and covered her eyes the next morning. 

“Just shut up and give me the coffee. And don’t call the doctor.”

Any other person would had been annoyed at the bright lights and the pounding headache, but she reveled on them. She liked the physical suffering after all.

“Yes, you already asked me that.”

“I mean it.”

“He’d leave this incident out of your service record, if you asked.”

“So?”

“What do you mean, ‘so’? You’d rather feel ill the whole day?”

“It’s my problem if I do, isn’t it? And before you ask, yes, I’ve done this several times, and you don’t see me assimilated yet, so I can function like this.”

“You can, but you shouldn’t.”

“That’s my problem, not yours.”

He sighed. Yes, as much as he’d like it not to be, it was hers alone. Probably it would always be. Getting as close as he had already was short of miracle, getting more out of her... probably it would be impossible as long as they were on the delta quadrant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to tackle Timeless next, but since I had this story abandoned for so long, I needed a shorter chapter to get it back on track.
> 
> I'm having a very rough time with my job hunting, so I'm going from snarky humor to angst with nothing in the middle, lately.
> 
> Comments are greatly appreciated! even more since I took a 3 months hiatus with this story and will have to re-read it to continue.


End file.
